My fellow boozeblogger already did a pretty good job mapping out what we’re gonna post here, so I figured I’d introduce myself. My name is Drunk White Kid (Family Name) and I’m from Boston. Well I’m not actually a kid, but if you’ve spent any time in Boston you know that we refer to any guy under the age of 40 as kid (Technically “Khed” according to the rest of the country). I’m actually in my 20’s, and like most people, I hate the fuck out of my job. If it wasn’t for the fact that I need booze money and don’t wanna spend the rest of my life taking dick in prison (Since MA is too pussy for the death penalty), I would have definitely gone postal by now. My shitty job is part of the reason why I picked up the extremely healthy coping mechanism of drinking my face off every chance that I get. I’ve been using this strategy since my early teenage years and it hasn’t failed me yet. I first picked up this easy homeopathic remedy while researching a favorite philosopher of mine named Homer Simpson. During a 1997 episode titled, “Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment”, this master of thought correctly stated that alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life’s problems. That statement changed everything I thought I knew about the world and how it worked. Up was down, black was white, Africa didn’t suck ass (That’s a stretch). I learned I could solve all of my problems by simply abusing alcohol and bottling up all of my negative thoughts and emotions. Talk about easy! And you know what they say: Two wrongs always make a right. So thanks to that idiomatic expression and the cancellation property of mathematics, drinking in excess is a perfectly reasonable way to handle your issues. I’ve got more problems than the MBTA during a light snowstorm, so why not solve try to solve some of them with some good ol’ fashioned liquid solutions? Sure alcohol makes you feel like shit the next day and rots your liver eventually, but it also makes good things more enjoyable, bad things more tolerable, and fat chicks more fuckable so I’ll drink to that.
As far as the blogging goes, I’ve been blessed with a brain that is always producing stupid thoughts and opinions. Unfortunately, this buildup of useless information has caused brain swelling similar to that of an NFL player in the concussion protocol tent. I figured that if I started writing some of my thoughts down, maybe it would reduce some of the crowding in my head. So just like a stupid, unsupervised toddler with a fork, I began searching for an outlet to stick my thoughts into. Which brings me here: The Internet. A magical place where you can go from illegally streaming The Lion King, to arguing on Facebook with your racist uncle about Black Lives Matter, to jerking off to out-of-your-league smokeshows in just a few clicks. Did I have sex with Riley Reid AND Brandi Love last night? Pretty much, just ask those crusty paper towels on my bedroom floor. The internet is already filled with other people’s stupid thoughts and opinions, so why not throw mine into the mix? The only difference between other people and me is that they actually care what they’re writing, whereas I’m just shitfaced and doing some mental Spring cleaning one typed word at a time.
What am I gonna post? No fucking idea. Another philosopher/trailer park supervisor that I admire named Jim Lahey said that you should always let the liquor do the thinking. I will likely combine that theory with Homer’s and just see what happens. Sports, TV/movies, music, and whatever other random shit pops into my head when I’m drunk on my computer. Well that’s all from me for now: I’ve got problems to solve and solutions to drink. I’ll leave you guys with some wisdom from this blogs aforementioned scholars.