First things first Happy International Women’s Day to all of the uterus owners out there, but let’s get down to business. It seems as if the Amelia Earhart mystery may have come to an end, and she very likely ended up stranded and dying on Nikumaroro Island. Long story short some anthropologist found bones and did his fancy CSI shit to determine that there’s a 99% chance that the bones belong to her, based on a large sample size of other possible matches. I’m gonna extend an olive branch here and admit that this is interesting. She disappeared in 1937, so if it is her, it’s pretty fucking cool that a mystery this old has been solved. History is awesome, and her disappearance is one of the most famous ones there is. “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it”, but I don’t have to worry about that because I’m not as dumb as Amelia Earhart was.
Here’s actual footage of Amelia Earhart’s impressive 1937 flight across the Pacific Ocean
Allow me to put my crosshairs on Amelia Earhart for a second. As if we didn’t need another reminder that women can’t drive, a story like this comes out of nowhere and proves this stereotype is true for the billionth time. Now that we know she crashed and ended up stranded on an island, we can all admit that she was nothing more than a cocky pilot in way over her head. I’m no historian, but here’s my version of the Amelia Earhart story that the history books won’t tell you. She flew solo over the Atlantic Ocean one time, and when she got back her head got big and her shit didn’t stink. She walked around the hangar talking shit to the other pilots, bragging about other plane stuff, talking about how women were equal and blah blah blah. The other pilots finally had enough of her shit, and someone said that she couldn’t circumnavigate the globe and her ego got the best of her. She got all offended and said, “Why can’t I do it? Because I’m a woman?”, ironically answering her own question of why she wouldn’t be able to do it. Filled up with cockiness,feminist pride, and not nearly enough fuel, her plane took off on a suicide mission to fly across the Pacific Ocean, which in nautical terms, is pretty fucking huge. So the theory has long been that she got lost and ran out of fuel somewhere in the South Pacific, which makes sense because she couldn’t drive for shit. Hey Amelia, why didn’t you just stop and ask for directions? Stupid bitch. She probably had too much estrogen fueled pride to admit she was lost, and instead just kept flying around randomly like an idiot. After spinning in circles like a retarded Tasmanian Devil for a while, she eventually ran out of fuel. She didn’t even notice the needle was on empty because she was too busy doing her makeup in the mirror, and she only realized she was fucked when she started falling out of the sky like a seagull with AIDS. She then ended up being a castaway on a remote island, and she didn’t even have a volleyball named Wilson or any other Fedex shipments to keep her company. She then ate sand and drank her own piss for a couple days and died right there on Nikumaroro, which sounds like the last name of a lights out Japanese pitcher that would make his way to mound in the 9th inning.
Now I’ve never driven a plane, but I think it’s safe to say that I’m a better pilot than this washed up Amelia Earhart chick. Have I ever crashed while trying to fly across the Pacific Ocean? Nope. Never have and probably never will fail as bad as she did. The scoreboard still reads “Pacific Ocean: 1, Amelia Earhart: 0”, and believe me when I say that people don’t forget. When it comes to flying across the Pacific Ocean, just like most basic white girls, she literally can’t even. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to continue honoring International Women’s Day with my bedroom door closed, Spankbang open, and my hand around my lubed up dick.